Saturday, May 10, 2014

Isn't this so very true?  While each step may get harder I know the view from the top is going to be utterly amazing!

I'm sitting home on a Saturday night.  Why?  Well, the "talk" between Ted and I happened last Saturday night and the way it ended up is, we are no longer a couple.  Again, I will not go into details on here.  He is a good man. I never could hate him, ever.  I love him very much actually, but we're not in the same place, and it appears the directions we both want to go are polar opposites so, I had to leave.  I pray for him, pray he regains his joy, pray that he finds his place again and God shows him where He wants him to minister to.  

Sounds oh so civilized doesn't it?  My insides ache, my heart hurts, my mind keeps going over and over on what I could have done differently, better, how did I fail him?  But deep down I know it's the enemy again at work trying to make me doubt myself.  I know that I loved this man with all I had in me.  I also know he loves me, but, well, there are circumstances.  

My girls have been fantastic.  They hugged me as I cried, made me laugh at their silliness in their effort to make me feel better.  My oldest daughter couldn't be here in person but she was an amazing positive influence, a great listener and also had some deep insight.  How can a 21 year old be so wise?  Four and a half years I have loved this man, and I will love him always, but I know God has this and me.  

I feel deep down in my heart that God wants me to use this healing time to dig deeper in His word as He is preparing me for my next step in His ministry.  My mom says when you find a new church you'll find a good's as I told her, Mom, I'm not looking for a man at this point.  I'm looking to heal, and am getting ready to prepare for my ministry.

Okay, enough of this.  News on Mom.  She was doing so well, she passed her release test with flying colors. Her release test was to undress on her own, shower by herself, get dressed, brush teeth, do hair and get back to her bed on her own. She passed it with flying colors.  My brother got her home on Friday and in 20 minutes she was in the floor in pain, her new hip, it popped out of place!  She was rushed back to the hospital and had emergency surgery last night around 10 pm.  I am stuck here, as I only have $5 for gas till Wednesday.  I have called, she was feeling a little on the crappy side, her throat hurt from being intubated but I'll call her in the morning.  So now she has to start from scratch, again.  I know my brothers are livid.  I'm not so happy with the surgeon myself.  We tried to explain to him before her first surgery that the mechanics of her hips and legs are poor on a good day and she would need extra hardware to keep that in place.  Apparently he did not listen.  I have yet to reach my youngest brother, who was there for the surgery, to find out what the surgeon did this time.  I'm praying he put in the heavy duty stuff and reinforced it this time.

My mother is an amazing woman.  I know now where I get my strength and determination, it's from that stubborn, pigheaded woman.  Please pray with me that this is the last time they have to repair that hip!

Tomorrow is Mother's Day.  I'm going to try a new church, the Christian church a house away from me.  After that I'll come home and make dinner but that's all I'm doing tomorrow!  Meg made me a cake, a strawberry soda cake.  it looks absolutely delicious but we're waiting until Rachel gets here from work tomorrow evening.  I'm hoping that her not quite yet fiance' comes with her so we can make it a family affair.  I will try very hard not to think of last Mother's Day when I was treated to flowers (to plant) as well as dinner from Ted.  

My Chrysalis team roster is about complete.  I have 3 spaces left to fill and then I'll be ready to send my team information to the printer.  And the waiting to fill is actually waiting for answers.  Tomorrow I am going to go through the large plastic tub to make sure I have all of the manuals and books needed for each person.  I'm getting so excited about this Flight.  As hard as the devil is beating on me God must have some amazing things ready to take place for the "caterpillars" or campers in their lives!!!

I will try in future blogs to be more upbeat and talk about some frugal things I'm working on.  I do ask for your prayers though to get me through these trials.  My blessings are many, the food assistance card has been such a huge blessing!  It's so nice to have food in the house, food to make meals, food to snack on, it's just, wow!  I'm making more meals, planning meals, it's great!  Ted's sister and mother have been sending me cards, thinking of you, get well soon, thank you for doing things for them.  These were all sent before we broke up but I have talked to his sister and we agreed that we are still friends, no matter what.  I did send his mom a Mother's Day card the other day.  She's a sweet and Godly woman, and I care about her very much.

I leave you now with prayers for all who read, and wish you all a very HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!

Blessings in Jesus name!

Saturday, May 3, 2014

WOW!  Do the days fly by or what?  I can't believe it's been a month since I posted anything!  As a friend of mine always says..."In my defense..."  That always gets under my skin, lol.  I could have made time, instead of crawling up on my couch which is currently my bed, and drifting off to sleep by 9 pm.  I'll admit it my friends, lately I'm beat.  I'm more than a little discouraged, I'm sad.

I've shared with you that I'm the next lay director for our Chrysalis church camp and from the moment I said YES to accept that position the enemy has been hitting me at every single turn.  Being the Lay Director is an important position and I've been in prayer over every choice I've considered in building my team.  I'm about 90% done, just have a few confirmations or declines to get and I need to add one more person.  I've been so blessed with the women and young ladies I've called to ask to serve, most have said yes, I've only had three decline and all for very good reasons, not that they needed to answer to me.  God uses the ones He wants there, I've been involved long enough to know that.  God has blessed me with so many loving friends in the Chrysalis and Emmaus community!

But as I said in my first paragraph, I'm beat.  I think my health is taking it's toll, and stress, that is taking a huge toll.  The neurosurgeon had to give me the worst case scenarios and of course the enemy jumped all over that.  There are two tumors, one is not a huge concern and should it need to come out is "easy" as my surgeon said.  The other is in a very delicate area next to the sagital sinus or the part that controls the blood flow to and from the brain.  It's not putting any pressure on it at this point, I pray it never moves from where it's at except to be completely removed by God's divine intervention!  but should it need to come out it needs to be done by a surgeon that has experience.  My guy, who is an amazingly skillful surgeon, has never done one and in his 30 plus years of experience I'm only the 3rd person he's ever seen with a tumor in that area.  Oh joy.  He suggested we fly to Denver as that's where the best surgeon is. I told him unless he's paying the air fare and the accommodations that's not a reality.  We laughed and he told me he'd be with me every step should something have to be done.  

I left there so upset, had a migraine, drove in the sun without my sunglasses (huge no no when I have a migraine) so instead of going back to work I went home and lay down.  I went to my PA later that day and she reassured me that God's got this, we're going to keep it monitored, took me off of the cholesterol medication as the hospital didn't do a fasting bloodwork before they put me on it.  We'd only just done fasting bloodwork 2 weeks before my TIA and my #'s were fantastic.  She did say continue the blood pressure meds as well as the low dose aspirin.  I left there feeling better, got hugs from all of the staff except the receptionist, she's one person I cannot warm up to, and vice versa.  But love it when my PA's business manager hugs me and tells me she loves me and my girls, we are her favorite patients and she says she doesn't say that to just anyone.   She's a hoot and it's worth the 30 minute drive to see them.  I know we are all in good hands.

Stress hits again when my Mom had to have an emergency hip replacement Easter morning.  She'd been complaining of pain, my brother took some time off of work and came down to take care of her then finally made her go to the doc, she got a CT scan and she'd somehow shattered the ball joint in the hip.  The surgeon told us it disintegrated in his hands.  She's doing so well, her attitude as the rolled her into surgery was awesome.  She told the nurses, "Let's get this done so I can go home."  God is doing miracles thru her, I still am concerned.

The last stressor is my relationship.  I'm not going into it on here as I owe him, and myself, that much privacy but I ask for prayers.  Something is very off and needs to be talked about.  Unless I feel from the Holy Spirit that tonight is not the time, tonight will be the time.  I love him so very much, I'm praying it can be worked thru.

Meg graduates in 20 days, that is so hard for me to imagine.  She's not out looking for work as she promised to do, I need all kinds of prayer my friends, just for positive movement in our lives?

A huge blessing did come yesterday tho.  I've been battling with the Dept. of Human & Family Services for weeks as to the whereabouts of my food assistance card.  Finally my local office said this was insanity and sent me one of their precious emergency only cards and it came in the mail.  I took the girls last night and we grocery shopped.  Finally, HEALTHY food in the house.  It's so sad that in this country the cheapest food is the worst for you!  Now maybe I can really work on getting this extra weight off of me, it will help my health so much!

Hugs to you all my friends.  I can't promise how often I can check in but I'm praying it is more often than once a month!